So there are some things that don't go your way. It happens to everyone. I think for me I try and make the best out of everything that is thrown at me. But this issue is just eating me up inside lately-
Life tends to do what it may. I thought that I would be truly happy just knowing a few facts about my bio-logical dad, but I am not. I am angry that someone who is a parent to me, has never spent more than 5 minutes with me in my entire existance. I am angry that I have to wonder about the rest of my family and step brothers and/or sisters.
But I feel like a hypocrite knowing I do not want kids. Maybe my own father felt the same way. He had my stepbrother with another woman (before me) and then when I came into light, maybe he knew kids werent for him and moved on. Thats the way I feel now about myself and children.
I think part of me doesn't want kids because I am afraid that I will not be able to be a good parent. That I will be to wrapped up in myself.. as my own father was, to be able to truly raise another human being. I love my sisters to death, but when it comes down to it- I can send them home at the end of the day. Maybe those reasons for me not wanting kids are his fault, the man that I have never met or never supported me-
On the other hand - I have a lot of great people who support me and know about the feelings that I have for my father. I have a step dad, 2 uncles and a grandpa who mean the world to me and who have supported me countlessly. I am happy with those people. They have made something that was agonizing, into just some passing ocassional anger and sadness. I can say that I am happy, because I know I am. A small fraction of my life that consumes me in madness/sadness over this issue can be resolved by letting it out and moving on. That is what I am trying to do.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
A friend of mine showed me his blog one day.. I decided to sign up. I am totally undecided if I am going to share this with anyone.
Lately I feel like everyone knows all my business and there is not much left personal or sacred. I do put my life out there for people to know and see but I think that I need to take something back as just mine. I am getting married. Losing my last name and gaining a new one. I know that the acceptable thing for me to be is excited about that idea, but it makes me nervous. I already signed the papers that say I am changing my name and becoming a Mrs. _______ but it is a step that makes me a little dizzy.